Tomorrow marks the release of Lionsgate's The Haunting In Connecticut. Oh, I'm sure there's a lot of people just dying to get to their local cinemaplex and throw away their hard earned $10 on this lovely little film. Unfortunately, I have much to do in the sleeping and not giving a good goddamn about this department. What does catch my eye, though, is that little phrase that will undoubtedly bring in millions of dollars to the corporate boys that think there's nothing better than PG-13 rated horror films: "Based On Actual Events." If a movie poster with a person defying the laws of gravity by laying on the ceiling says it, by god, it must be true! At least that's what hundreds of thousands of teenage girls and the occasional thousand or so adult morons will be thinking. This phrase has been popping up on several ads for horror films in the past few years leaving one to think, "Gee, there's a shit load of evil, supernatural crap out there just waiting to kill me. I think I'll just stay in for the rest of my life gaining weight and enjoy the suffering of others." However, I've done my research, and let me break it to you gently. It is all bullshit.
Let's start with our friend that opens tomorrow. Haunting is based on the Snedeker family and their misadventures in their newly acquired home in Southington, Connecticut. They move to the home in order to be close to a hospital where one of the family's sons is being treated for cancer. Soon, shit starts to get all paranormal and the family calls their local priest to save the day. That all sounds nice and normal, but then you read the true story claims. BAM, it becomes much more than just a crappy haunted house movie...for some people. The story was originally broke through Ray Garton's book A Dark Place. Garton interviewed the Snedekers, took his notes, and pumped out a terrifying tale of possession that's just too horrifying to be made up! Actually, it's quite the opposite of that. Garton has admitted in several interviews that it took a lot of skill to even construct a normal story out of the family's testimonies because none of them could get their stories straight. Garton even stated that he didn't think the one son suffered from cancer, rather mental illness. When it comes from the guy that's supposed to be backing you up, I think your bullshit has been called out.
Moving back just a year to a film called The Strangers, I don't think there is a more blatant case of bullshit on the face of this earth. Brian Bertino's film slapped the "Inspired by actual events" tag on its fraudulent face and pulled in almost $21 million on its opening weekend. In actuality, the movie is based on a single instance in Bertino's childhood where a stranger knocked on his door and asked for someone who wasn't there. Nobody was killed, nobody was held against their will, no horror ensued. Bertino even said that he based much of it on reading Helter Skelter. Charles Manson should break out of prison and kill Bertino for plagiarizing his work.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose has just as much bullshit smeared on it as the above. It's based on an account from Germany about a girl that suffered from depression and epilepsy, the obvious symptoms of demonic possession! Long story short, she died of malnutrition and dehydration at the hands of her exercisers. You could say her exorcising shaved off a few pounds! (*rim shot!*) Her parents and two priests were tried and convicted of manslaughter and put away for quite some time. That's just a tad different than a lawyer realizing that the priest she is defending was right all along! Bullshit.
This trend isn't just limited to the horror genre, ohh no sir! Bullshit spans across the entire Hollywood universe, even to places you might not expect. For example, Rudy, a movie that many have on their most inspirational list, is full of bullshit. That meanie-head coach Dan Devine was actually the one that wanted Rudy to play in the final game. He told the movie studio it was okay to make him into the asshole just for the sake of the film. Another example is the Will Smith joint The Pursuit of Happiness. The film makes Smith's character out to be this outstanding father figure that's only trying to make millions for his kid. Someone get ready to hit that big, red bullshit button. Aaaaannnnd thank you. The real Chris Gardner was a drug user and dealer, he neglected his son for many months while trying to strike it rich, and abused his baby mama. Speaking of which, his baby mama made that baby while he was married to someone else. Movie studios just can't have our beloved Will Smith doing all that naughty stuff!
So, I'm not saying that ALL movies claiming to be true stories are complete pieces of bullshit...just...99.9% of them. My message to those that read is not to buy a $10 movie ticket based solely on the word "true." Do your research, and know that the movie you think is so compelling is just your run-of-the-mill piece of garbage.
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