20th Century Fox: Worst Film Studio in Hollywood? Wolverine Says Yes.

Scholarly folks used to say that there's only two things for sure in the world, but us normal schmucks know about the third one: death, taxes, and at least 15 god-awful films a year from 20th Century Fox. It didn't used to be this way, kids. Long gone are the days where Fox blessed us with outstanding films like Alien - Alien 3, Young Frankenstein, Predator, Die Hard, and arguably one of the best motion pictures of all time True Lies. Back in those days, Fox was just another studio. They had their ups and downs, their mountain tops and their bottomless hellholes. In one year you could see Baby's Day Out (guh), but you could also be slapped in the face with a great action movie like Speed. 

Today is quite a different tune. 20th Century Fox has sank to an epic, infamous low. It's come as close to a complete pile of failure as any other major film studio probably will ever come. They can struggle to push out a good movie now and again. This year's Best Picture winner, Slumdog Millionaire, came from Fox Searchlight (I'm still debating whether that should be in the same category, but since the word FOX is there, we'll say sure). Also, 28 Days Later, one of the absolute best apocalyptic horror films ever, came from the studio. However, nowadays it's either the very rare grand slam of a movie or the complete swing-and-a-miss, ball hasn't left the pitcher's glove yet, fall flat on their asses piece of shit. There's no middle ground.

The only possible thing that I can think of as to why this studio has turned into the turd factory it is today is because of the all mighty dollar. Four movies that held personal interest to me have suffered horrific fates at the hands of these money grubbing bastards:

Case 1: Alien vs Predator and Alien vs Predator: Requiem

Only one thing has ever been more personable to me than these two sacks of crap, and that was Terminator 3, but that rant is for another day. Anywho, AvP could have been brilliant with the right creative minds put together. I mean, it's ALIEN VS PREDATOR! This should have been f*cking beyond awesome, but a little bird named Fox went ahead and said, "You know what would make this great? Defying all logic and making it a PG-13 movie so we can bring in millions!" Every instalment of both franchises was rated R because they were violent, awesomefests that didn't give a damn about whether a 13 year old kid could throw down his money on them. But Fox had to have more, and the film suffered because of that. Terrible movie. Fox tried to make up for that with the sequel by bumping the rating up and trying to be more EXTREME. Fail. AvPR was just as shitty and gave just as big of a slap in the face to the originals as the first one did. You broke my heart Fox, but it wouldn't be the last time...

Case 2: Live Free or Die Hard

First of all, what the f*ck kind of name is that for a Die Hard movie? The real John McClane would shoot you for even suggesting that crap, but where is the real guy you ask? Oh, that's right, he left with the R rating. I was in a damn fit for weeks when I heard that this was rated PG-13. YOU DON'T CUT DOWN DIE HARD! How the hell is McClane supposed to curse at bad guys while killing them and say his infamous line in front of a bunch of kids!? The film could have been much worse, but it felt far from a real Die Hard film. Heart broken x 2 now...

Case 3: Hitman

You couldn't imagine how excited I was to hear about an adaptation of the crazy awesome game series. Oh, how young and ignorant I was, for I should have known that sadness was inevitable when I saw that Fox was behind it. They could not have ravaged this film any more. They screwed up the origin story, they cast the titular character wrong, the overall tone of the story was off, etc, etc. Throw in some plot holes and some genuine WTF? moments for good measure and you have yourself one of the worst reviewed films of the year (15% on Rotten Tomatoes). Nice one Fox.

Case 4: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I've grown up since my days of watching cartoons every afternoon, but had you told me that you were going to ruin the X-Men for me back then, I might have killed you. I loved X-Men probably more than any other comic book characters. The film adaptations have been some of the exceptions in Fox's reign of sub-mediocrity. X-Men, great film, had no complaints. X2: X-Men United, LOVED it, took what worked from the first and took it to a whole new level of badassery. That's where Good Street turned into Crap Road which merges into Garbage Water Blvd. X-Men: The Last Stand was pretty bad. Bret Ratner tried to make it his own thing instead of sticking to what made the first two great films. Then, just last night to be exact, came Origins: Wolverine. A turd wrapped with moldy bread, my friends. This film has ruined the X-Men. Hugh Jackman must have needed groceries the week he signed on for this because he surely had to know that this piece of trash was far below the standards set by the first two films. The story is just a complete mess that does anything but make you want to know more about where Wolverine came from. Special effects and my favorite X-Man, Gambit, couldn't save this film if they tried. It's a shame too, because Gambit is such a badass that he should have had an established place in the first two.

So, even if you aren't a big nerd disguised as a sexy, heartthrob like myself, you've surely seen a movie from 20th Century Fox that has made you cringe, whether it be a complete failure such as Epic Movie, the many bowls of diarrhea starring Eddie Murphy, or the laughably horrendous The Happening. Hopefully, in the near future, there will be some new brass in the offices of Fox that can bring us more than just two to three good movies tops a year. It's a long shot, but if you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

*Note- For those wondering how I managed to view Origins: Wolverine an entire month before its theatrical release, I can honestly tell you that it involved a completely LEGAL use of the Internet and in no way whatsoever involved any illegal downloading of copyrighted material. Not that I was going to give away $10 on this movie in the first place when it hit theaters. That is all.

"This Film Is Based On Actual Bullshit."

Tomorrow marks the release of Lionsgate's The Haunting In Connecticut. Oh, I'm sure there's a lot of people just dying to get to their local cinemaplex and throw away their hard earned $10 on this lovely little film. Unfortunately, I have much to do in the sleeping and not giving a good goddamn about this department. What does catch my eye, though, is that little phrase that will undoubtedly bring in millions of dollars to the corporate boys that think there's nothing better than PG-13 rated horror films: "Based On Actual Events." If a movie poster with a person defying the laws of gravity by laying on the ceiling says it, by god, it must be true! At least that's what hundreds of thousands of teenage girls and the occasional thousand or so adult morons will be thinking. This phrase has been popping up on several ads for horror films in the past few years leaving one to think, "Gee, there's a shit load of evil, supernatural crap out there just waiting to kill me. I think I'll just stay in for the rest of my life gaining weight and enjoy the suffering of others." However, I've done my research, and let me break it to you gently. It is all bullshit.

Let's start with our friend that opens tomorrow. Haunting is based on the Snedeker family and their misadventures in their newly acquired home in Southington, Connecticut. They move to the home in order to be close to a hospital where one of the family's sons is being treated for cancer. Soon, shit starts to get all paranormal and the family calls their local priest to save the day. That all sounds nice and normal, but then you read the true story claims. BAM, it becomes much more than just a crappy haunted house movie...for some people. The story was originally broke through Ray Garton's book A Dark Place. Garton interviewed the Snedekers, took his notes, and pumped out a terrifying tale of possession that's just too horrifying to be made up! Actually, it's quite the opposite of that. Garton has admitted in several interviews that it took a lot of skill to even construct a normal story out of the family's testimonies because none of them could get their stories straight. Garton even stated that he didn't think the one son suffered from cancer, rather mental illness. When it comes from the guy that's supposed to be backing you up, I think your bullshit has been called out.

Moving back just a year to a film called The Strangers, I don't think there is a more blatant case of bullshit on the face of this earth. Brian Bertino's film slapped the "Inspired by actual events" tag on its fraudulent face and pulled in almost $21 million on its opening weekend. In actuality, the movie is based on a single instance in Bertino's childhood where a stranger knocked on his door and asked for someone who wasn't there. Nobody was killed, nobody was held against their will, no horror ensued. Bertino even said that he based much of it on reading Helter Skelter. Charles Manson should break out of prison and kill Bertino for plagiarizing his work.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose has just as much bullshit smeared on it as the above. It's based on an account from Germany about a girl that suffered from depression and epilepsy, the obvious symptoms of demonic possession! Long story short, she died of malnutrition and dehydration at the hands of her exercisers. You could say her exorcising shaved off a few pounds! (*rim shot!*) Her parents and two priests were tried and convicted of manslaughter and put away for quite some time. That's just a tad different than a lawyer realizing that the priest she is defending was right all along! Bullshit.

This trend isn't just limited to the horror genre, ohh no sir! Bullshit spans across the entire Hollywood universe, even to places you might not expect. For example, Rudy, a movie that many have on their most inspirational list, is full of bullshit. That meanie-head coach Dan Devine was actually the one that wanted Rudy to play in the final game. He told the movie studio it was okay to make him into the asshole just for the sake of the film. Another example is the Will Smith joint The Pursuit of Happiness. The film makes Smith's character out to be this outstanding father figure that's only trying to make millions for his kid. Someone get ready to hit that big, red bullshit button. Aaaaannnnd thank you. The real Chris Gardner was a drug user and dealer, he neglected his son for many months while trying to strike it rich, and abused his baby mama. Speaking of which, his baby mama made that baby while he was married to someone else. Movie studios just can't have our beloved Will Smith doing all that naughty stuff!

So, I'm not saying that ALL movies claiming to be true stories are complete pieces of bullshit...just...99.9% of them. My message to those that read is not to buy a $10 movie ticket based solely on the word "true." Do your research, and know that the movie you think is so compelling is just your run-of-the-mill piece of garbage.

The Wait Was Worth It

If you love music as much as this fellow here, then you know what it's like to listen to a new album from one of your favorite bands. You're looking forward to it no matter what anyone else might have said about how different it's going to be from their awesome (insert number) album. I've had a few different experiences with different bands that I love. Paramore's second album Riot! was more in depth than their first outing, and I enjoyed it immensely. On the other end of the spectrum, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' first album was one of the best damn albums I have ever bought. How do they follow up this masterpiece? They release one of the absolute worst pieces of dogshit that my ears have ever had to suffer through. They might have just earned an indefinite place on my shitlist for that.

This is a different story my friends. A much different one. If you know me, you most likely know that my favorite band of all time is Silverstein, an awesome little group out of Canada. They've previously released 3 full-length albums that have all thoroughly knocked me on my ass, especially their sophomore effort Discovering the Waterfront. Their next album, A Shipwreck in the Sand, comes out March 31, but thanks to the wonders of Myspace (wonder and Myspace normally cannot be legally put in the same sentence) I have been able to listen to the whole album a week early. Let me tell you this; Shipwreck is far and away the band's most developed and most powerful release to date. To be frank, it's their best.

Almost right from the get go, the band tries on some new shoes with guest backing vocals from Liam Cormier of the band Cancer Bats (also from Canada, and I'll have to give them a listen now) on the album's second song "Vices." Other guest vocalists appearing on the album include former Comeback Kid vocalist Scott Wade and Canadian pop singer Lights on the aptly titled final track "The End." Each guest appearance is awesome, and they each provide their respective songs with a new element that just adds to the badassery of the album.

This album could not have come at a better time for me, as well. I was about to go insane with no new music to listen to. It seems like I have dug through every nook and cranny of the music world and can't find any new bands to enjoy. Well, Silverstein has postponed my search for now because their new album will certainly keep me occupied and rocking for quite some time. To the guys in the best damn band on earth: Thanks and keep pumping my ears full of sweet sweet tunes.

(Give them a listen here http://www.myspace.com/silverstein )

It Begins...

Welcome, welcome, WELCOME, to my very first visit to this here thing they call the blogosphere. The first thing I ask myself is, "What the f*ck am I doing here?" Never thought I would get into this whole blogging thing, but here I am. I'm sure we'll all have some laughs, shed some tears, and break some wind. My whole goal for this damn boat is to get things off my chest and give you all the best damn film reviews you will ever read.

So, with that, I'll try to update this thing daily as long as I have things to bitch about and movies to diss. Good day to you all.